On motherhood
To become a mother is a transition. It changes the way you relate to yourself, your partner and your kin. It confronts you with your own boundaries. It shapes your desires and dreams. It is a key event in the journey of the becoming self.
Much talk around motherhood emphasises that when you become a mother, a parent, you change your priorities. You put your family first. You choose stability over change. Security and predictability over adventure. You search ways to broaden the space you can control so that the uncontrollable - which is inherent to family life - is manageable. Obviously, there is much to say about this. Yet, this image of mothers craving for stability and security risks creating a social story - a stereotypical image, a stigma - which oversteps a lot of sensations that come along with motherhood.
Balancing stability of family life with our individual needs for adventure
When we become mothers, we become responsible for beings larger than ourselves. Yet, this does not mean that our own identity, dreams and desires dissolve. Many women around me struggle with the question of how to balance their own need for adventure with the stability of family life (see also Netflix’ TV show‘Sex/Life’). They ask questions like: “how can I honour my intuition to move abroad while at the same time my kid(s) love their cousins, friends, grandparents and routines at home?”; “Is this the right time to change jobs and throw myself into a new environment, while I do not want to compromise my time with the kids?”; “Is this the right time to start my own company while this includes financial risk and can compromise the stability of my family?”
Questions like these address the core issue at hand that we, mothers, often struggle with: how can we be address both our individual needs and our family needs? How can we seek for the novel while at the same time ensuring a sense of stability for our own family? How can we balance adventure with routine?
Reinventing what stability means through sensemaking
Rather than choosing one or the other, I believe there is a space in-between that offers lots of possibilities. Can we reinvent our own interpretations of stability? For example, rather than searching for stability in our physical surroundings, like the school, daycare, city we live or interactions, can we create stability through continuing family rituals? Can we create a sense of security through singing that same bedtime song every night? Can we find stability in continuing the ritual of baking pancakes on Sunday mornings? Can we still use the same ‘family words’ for airplane, spinach (my son says: “pi-na-zi”) and vacuum cleaner (“ta-ta” according to my little cousin)? Can we continue meeting family in weekends, even when this means having a digital cup of tea?
In other words, can we creatively stretch our conception of stability, security and predictability to the social interactions that are central to our family life? Can we find adventure in changing surroundings while keeping on ‘doing time’ similarly? So, rather than focusing on short-term stability expressed in the same physical surroundings and interactions, can we give our kids something different in the long term?
Can we offer them the flexibility of adaptation because of the continuation of family rituals? Can we show them that life is a compilation of do-overs rather than following one straight line? Can we show them the importance of honouring our authentic needs while at the same time take care of others’ needs? Can we show them the social skills of making new friendships while highlighting the importance preserving deep connections?
Balancing ourselves with our families is a journey of discovery. A journey that is fun and challenging. A journey that is shared. A journey that requires planning and adjustment. A journey that is about possibility rather than restraint. A journey, above all, that is yours.
Hi Natalja, incredibly meaningful points you make. I really appreciate the nuances you're mentioning...how the small things could actually make a big impact. Family rituals for example. They can seem so simple but bring so much 'stability' and joy in my experience! (Christine de Vries - via Jack :))...
Yesterday my family celebrated my youngest daughter's 21st birthday. All the questions in this thoughtful article ring true. When I reflect on motherhood, there are more times than I care to admit that I worried our journey was off-balance but the surprise heroes of our memories are the small, unique rituals we shared. All the fears I was giving my work more attention than I ought, the times I worried I was perhaps too open with my feelings, these concerns made sense at the time but with the passage of the years I see how each adaptation that was an expression of my authentic self served to strengthen, not diminish, our family ties. Thank you for a beautiful post.